I’m like fuming mad and I need to calm down before I do something stupid
OH MY GOD YOURE SUCH A FUCKING HYPOCRITE OH MY FUCKING GOD
I haven’t eaten all day just because I forgot and my mom is preparing my dinner and I have a headache, I’m dizzy I just feel so sick like I’m going to crumble into a million little pieces and I just can’t understand how I did this to myself for so long.
I’m still trying to find a style of editing my photos that I like and stuff and so yeah some turn out kind of ugly I realize that but I’m experimenting and like every time I’m confused about where I want to go with editing it my mom like “Don’t edit it all some people just want nice normal pictures”
Like okay, it’s my photography so you can stay out of it. And she doesn’t get what editing is sometimes. I swear I show her some pictures where I brightened them up and stuff and she’s like “See! Like that! Those are nice” like she doesn’t understand at all.
I just wish people would get photography is also an art. Like I know my mom doesn’t look at my sisters paintings and make snide little comments. Why? Because it’s my sisters art and she worked really hard on it. So when she comes to me and makes comments it really hurts.
I don’t care if I get constructive criticism that’s fine. What I don’t want is
- Constructive criticism from people who have literally no clue what they’re talking about. (Like my mom above how she doesn’t get what editing means)
- And just flat out rude comments with nothing that would help benefit my skills.
Like sometimes I don’t even feel like doing photography anymore. I know I’m really shitty at it. But I do it because I like it and I want to get better. But when I feel like I’m getting better and my family makes all these comments I just want to quit.
This whole situation makes me want to vomit
It’s really exhausting living in an environment where you can say almost anything and somebody will either take it in the wrong way or just get mad at it right away. Like I was having an anxiety attack about growing up so I asked my mom to tuck me in because I was freaking out and needed to feel like a kid again and it turned into a huge fight. Today my sister sat down right next to me when there were a ton of other open seats around the living room and I told her made me uncomfortable for some reason and it turned into a fight. Like I love my family to death. I’m not like saying they’re mean or cruel. I love them so much. It’s just that the communication in this household is so shitty and it’s hard.
Like reading about good relationships makes me realize why I haven’t wanted one in so long. Like can we be friends first? Can every second not be flirting? I don’t want my sole purpose in someone’s life to fix they’re loneliness and if you want to get me in a relationship show me how that relationship would be. You’re not going to spend the entire relationship flirting or hitting on me so can we not do that constantly before we even know if I like you or not?
So I’m reading a book and there’s a love interest developing. I can feel my heart skip when she does and the excitement at the new relationship forming. It’s not much but this is the first time in a long time that I haven’t looked at a relationship as something to coil away from. I’m not saying I want a relationship right now but I was kind of thinking I was fucked up forever and now I’m thinking maybe I’m not.
I’m so glad I don’t get periods anymore
I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, I really did. You said you would respect me and I should let you know if you crossed any lines. Well you’ve crossed so many and I’ve given you too many chances. You intentionally gave me panic attacks so you could prove a point that “I could trust you”. You manipulated my words to make it seem like I said I’d go on a lunch date with you (By the way manipulation is a form of abuse which is funny since you told me you hated abusive guys so much). And when I tried to give you a chance to make this better by telling you how bad it was for me. You told me you had “No regrets”. I tried to care about your feelings. You reminded me of my abusers and talking to you gave me panic attacks but I tried to make it work because it wasn’t fair to you to just end it because you remind me of something. But when you said “I have no regrets” you showed me many things. You showed me that you have zero respect for my feelings or my mental health for that matter. You also helped me realize that the reason you reminded me of my abusers wasn’t because you had similar characteristics to them, it’s because you’re headed down the path of abuse. So thank you, for showing me that I need to get out.